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I am your disease
I hate meetings.I hate higher power.I hate anyone who has a program.To all who come in contact with me, i wish you death and i wish you suffering.
Allow mw to introduce myself.I am the disease of addiction-alcoholism,drugs,eating disorders,ect.I am cunning,baffling and powerful. That's me! I have killed millions, and i am pleased.
I love to catch you with the element of surprise. I love pretending that i am your friend and lover.I have given you comfort, have i not? Wasn't i always there when you were lonely? When you wanted to die,didn't you call me? Wasn't i always there?
I love to make you hurt.I love to make you cry. Better yet, i love when i make you so numb you can neither hurt nor cry-you can't feel anything at all.This is true glory. I give you instant gratification,and all i ask of you is long term suffering.I've always been there for you.
when things were going right in your life, you invited me. You said you didn't deserve these good things, and i was the only one who would agree with you. Together we were able to destroy all things good in your life.
People don't take me seriously. They take strokes seriously, heart attacks seriously,even diabetes they take seriously. Fools that they are,they don't know that without my help, these illnesses would often not be possible. I am such a hated disease yet so denied. Graciously i do not come uninvited. You CHOOSE to have me. So many chosen me over reality,over peace,and over serenity.
More then you hate me. I hate the TWELVE STEPS and all of you who have a twelfth step program. Your program,your meetings,your higher power, all weaken me and don't allow me to function in the manner i am accustomed to.
So i must lie here quietly. You don't see me, but i am growing bigger than ever. When you only exist,i may live.When you live in recovery, following those hateful 'steps', I only exist. But i am here-and until we meet again, if we meet again-i wish you continued death and suffering. Posted: 06/05/2012 7:22 PM
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Coming up on a year...
I wanted to share this with my AaA family. Here are two post by my wife almost a year ago on how she was feeling about her son Hunter. It brings back such painful memories like it was yesterday. On March 3rd, Hunter will be one year clean and I wanted to share this with all of you that have loved ones still struggling with addiction. It can be done. The addict has to be the one to want it and fight the long fight but it can be done. Hunter is living proof of that and also a different person now. Here's her two post......
Posted: 02/22/2011
I am a mother of a 22 year old son who is an alcoholic, yes, my son who was a charming, witty, and caring person. I don't know who he is right now, as alcohol seems to have him hostage. I have always and will always love him, but, certainly do not like who he is or what he has become because of drinking. There doesn't seem to be anything too much more painful than watching your child suffer under the grips of addiction, watch him slowly transform into some strange monster, in fact, it's heart and gut wrenching. I have been able to pull back from enabling him, and probably one of the hardest things I have had to face among many more that I have gone thru with this child.
You see, my instincts as a mother is to help, fix things, and make everything ok for my children as majority of many mothers in this world. I have even tried to convince myself that things aren't as bad as they seem with him. I feel like I have done everything in the world to help my son, and at this point I feel like I am running into a brick wall just spinning in one place. I have sent him to counseling, rehabs, detox, treatment centers, and sober living to no avail. Sometimes, I cry in silence, constantly wondering and hoping my son turns his life around and gets sober and stays that way. The fear of the phone ringing either to hear him drunk on the other end, but to be relieved at the same time that he is alive, or wonder if that phone call is the hospital, police or someone telling me, "I'm sorry your son has died or been killed", as a result from drinking. Oh, alcohol is not the only thing he has used to self-medicate himself, the usual pot, pills, cocaine, ecstasy, and one of the deadliest but cheapest highs, was huffing dust off air spray. I can see where he is not the same, he seems to be slower at grasping and comprehending information.
My son, my boy, my youngest child, who I protected, nurtured, and loved for all of his life has slipped away from me, all that's left is this shell of someone who looks like my son, and the battery he has done to his body and organs is ridiculous for his age. He should be thriving a wonderful life as he loves helping people, very soft-hearted and loving. But, now, my boy is lost, and only looks at me for money for him to get by, or buy his alcohol, lies, and how I so want to believe him, empty promises, and lack of gratitude. I pray before I go to sleep, he is alive the next day, he isn't homeless, and will get sober.
In closing for this night, as I will write again, I leave you with my thoughts out loud!
Posted: 03/04/2011
Well my son who has caused me so much turmoil and heart ache has entered re-rehab this afternoon out of state. He called me last Sunday telling me he had been beat up by his roommate who also is a drunk and drug addict, and goes on drinking binges for days at a time, and obviously gets violent, although, the first time my son was on the receiving end. I think it really scared my son, one, it seemed to make him think that this is what his life has become, living with drug and alcohol addicts, making it day to day, wondering how you are going to pay your rent, and buy your next fix. He also, was really scared that this roommate was going to kill him, and admitted to me that he didn't want to be a drunk anymore and knew he couldn't stop drinking by himself. So he reached the point to where he reached out for help and really wanted it. I spent days on the phone and computer researching the different re-rehabs and their programs such as after care which is just as important as detoxing and the rehab itself.
So after 4 days of finding the right one to what his needs were but also the one that was in his insurance network. I got so frustrated playing phone tag with different rehab admissions and counselors telling me different things and dates that he could be admitted, I really thought I was going to lose my mind, as I knew my son had to get out of the house he was living in for his safety but because for the first time, he really seemed to be sincere and ready to seek the help. He was going through DT's, and it just made me angrier at the rehabs for receiving different information and me promising my son would be leaving the next day, and then the next day. Wow, I was the most frustrated and anxious even up until he left, waiting on the insurance authorization, for the transportation to be scheduled, etc. It was so emotional for me for mixed reasons, I was happy and relieved that he was wanting and going for help, yet, I knew I would miss him and felt a sense of sadness when I hugged him goodbye, and that is when I realized that I had stayed angry at him for so long, I guess it was the way I coped with his behavior as a defensive mechanism. So when I choked up trying to hold back tears as I hugged him tightly, I saw the little boy in my son, a spark of his true identity, his charm, wit, and compassion. I, also, sensed his fear of the unknown, of where he was going, how it was going to turn out, where would he be days from now, and weeks from now, and so far from home. You see, my son considered home wherever I, his mother was. I pray very hard and hope that he will take this opportunity/gift, the same way they refer to it on Intervention to start anew way of living. I have fought back the tears the rest of the evening and night, even while I was working the night shift of my job. I have thought constantly of what he is experiencing, asking myself, will he embrace this opportunity to start a new life, and will he fight hard to stay sober and clean. I want to see more than just a glimpse of my youngest son, I want to see his true identity shine through with laughter and happiness, and for him to experience the sense of pride and accomplishment. With every night and morning, I hope he can feel my positive thoughts and gain more strength every day that he is sober. I so want to be re-introduced to this boy, this man, my son. May God bless him and give him the strength and faith he will need, and wrap my son's heart, mind and body with love. Until next time, I leave you with my thoughts out loud....
Posted: 02/25/2012 8:50 AM
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