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Can addicts feel love again

My bf has been an addict for since his early 20s, now he is 42, during the past over decades, he tried to get clean by moving to another country. and he did, was clean for a few years, untill he picked up again. Not long after that he met me. it was kept away from me for years, and i enabled him financially without knowing, and we were on an off for years, untill he decided to tell me the truth, since then, i been helping him to make up mind to go rehab get help. He went back two times past two years. last time he came out was last September. I believe he not touched any heroin his DOC since then, but tried a few others, like yabba (his words), crack, and cocaine till he had a very bad pschosis attack made him finally realize, no drug is safe. so for past two month, he is in Thailand alone for his recovery as strong recovery society there. He still drinks sometimes, but no drugs. we hadn't had intimate for long time, and we did go docs for his psychosis, during the test, i know he lost drive for it and has no interest in opposite sex. 

He's been so numb for so long, can he feel love again? and how long into recovery will he be able to feel? I been by his side helping him, volunteered to be his safety net for so long, i am not even sure if he loves me and he not sure either as he not sure of any of his feeling. how pathetic is this. 

Posted: 07/16/2018 12:31 AM

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What Smells Like Chemicals?

Please, what drug smells like intense chemicals?

What can this be? Last weekend I heard dishes/pots and pans being pulled out. There was some kind of spraying going on but it wasn't aerosol, it sounded like a windex-type sprayer. I also heard sniffing and grunting and a few minutes later I heard him say something like: come on. There was water running and more spraying then a few min. or so later I heard: don't let me f*** this up. My heart started racing. I heard a stove light. I started smelling something chemical-y. More water was running then I heard: woo, woo, woo... There was sniffing sounds (but it's not lines of coke - and btw I hear the constant sniffing often as well). It smelled SO chemical-y it got really, REALLY strong and really scary. My body couldn't take it - I was shaking. The smell was extremely intense about 30-45 min. and was very slow to leave and lingered a long while and was STILL there the next morning but not nearly as bad - but still very, very noticeable. At some point in this ordeal, I had also heard one small time there was what sounded like liquid bubbling - but it was only one short "blurb"-type sound. I could barely sleep. When I woke up, my eyes were itchy and my body was shaking a little, not from fear although I was scared. I also found it a little hard to balance a couple times the next day. I didn't go back to that place at all day the next day - I stayed away because the smell was that strong and so gross. I've never smelled it before but it was definitely chemical-y like super strong nasty toxic cleaning products or something.

The next morning I can tell he had "crashed" as in fell asleep quickly and outside of normal routine.

Can anyone tell me what is going on? I'm trying to get out of there very quickly but also trying to assess what's happening so I can stay alert. 

Thank you so much.

Posted: 04/03/2018 9:25 AM

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What Is Going On - Get Me Out Of This

Hi, some background - I'm female and don't do drugs or drink (although I used to drink socially) and don't want to be around it let alone live with it. The last several years, I have had a lot of physical illness that turned into financial hardship and last year it impacted my vision and had to flee my apartment. It was a nightmare and lost everything financially and so stressful (and I'm supposed to be resting). A friend  I've known 30 years (strictly platonic, never more than a friend, and always helpful). I didn't want to do it for many reasons, but had nowhere else to go and here I am now for months.

Since then I have been a WRECK. I'll skip over details but have been feeling very unsafe. I want to get out of here but have been traumatized but haven't been able to work therefore lack of money has been an issue in freeing myself. I would leave THIS SECOND if I could but cannot and will not go to a s-h-e-l... you can finish the word.

I've seen sides of this friend I didn't know existed and the personality started changing (or revealing itself) before I moved and now that I'm here things are weird, creepy, and frightening. He is laid off from a great job over a year ago and might have something starting to line up but has not been taking the right steps. (And I am looking for some kind of work I can do.) He has been covering my storage and has the key to it and it is not in my name, but my name is on it for entry.

He is like someone I don't know and part of me wonders if he both was being helpful since I've been in this situation AND might have ulterior motives or secretly hope something woudl happen. He also fibbed about certain things. And one night I heard pushing on my door a couple times. I started shaking and also was left wondering if he was out of it, but the reasons don't matter. I have been locking myself in this room i'm staying in every night. From inside this room, I hear him many nights talking to himself, passing gas, belching which is gross and I'm surprised he'd act like that with me here and never saw this behavior demonstrated previously. Sometimes when he talks to himself I can't recognize his voice exactly and his behavior is so strange I have thought maybe he has a psychiatric disorder. One time it was simply he was watching a video and reacting strangely. He may start humming a lot often and I also hear a LOT of sniffing but it's not coccaine because the sniffing usually lasts a fairly long time. And there's deep breathing of some sort, too, in the zone of Darth Vadar-type. He also has this chronic cough that I never heard before but hear several times a night every night and stomach issues, which makes me think he may be trying to feel better by using. He drinks regularly (several nights a week by himself most often) but I haven't seen him passed out drunk or slurring or anything like that yet (and hope to never). I think he likely has pills he pops once in a while as well, perscribed from a medical thing. But, what I'm really concerned about is he's doing some kind of drug. He had mentioned that he smokes pot but I thought it was isolated to social events. But I don't know if it's pot that he's doing in the apt. or something else. I've smelled pot many times before but it doesn't smell familiar... 

What is this? The smell is like sweet and thick and strong. I see no smoke but it's heavy. I wake up with my lungs depressed and my poor eyes irritated (and I'm already battling eye disease) and it scares me. I think he picked something up at a social gathering. He's used a few times at least in one week. The smell was strong and potent. Then I've smelled it subsequently but not as strong. The smell lasts maybe 45 min. and then it lingers and is in the apt. for like a day and smells stale/funky but not mediciney but not pleasant. I get the sense it could be an opiate? Does anyone know what drug he's doing?????

There is also this suspicious plant that appeared in the apartment that has red thin stems and it makes me wonder.

Anyway, I'm skipping over a lot. All I know is I have to get out of here and can't confront him, nor do I really want to unless absolutely necessary. My diagnosis is psychiatric disorder untreated and multiple substance abuse.

I'm in no position to help emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritualy or otherwise because I have nothing left to give. My life has come to that. I was supposed to be here to get things in order and start to recover but it has presented more to handle. I truly want to help him but am trying to find my oxygen mask. I'm praying a lot. I've been thinking about an emergency bag. I leave the apartment from morning to night but can't keep this up much longer.

I could go on and on. There is actually this man I like who I've had on and off relations with but doesn't live in the same city. He is an addict and recovered then relapsed and now has been ok the last year approx. I like him romantically but I don't hear from him even when I reach out. Any advice on this as well?

Thank you to anyone who is brave enough to respond. I don't know how serious this all is and am trying to find a way.

 

Posted: 03/23/2018 11:44 PM

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SOBER COACH
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7 YEARS CLEAN AND SOBER

I Know its been a long time since i have been on the site. im still doing well. i started a new career. Im now a Peer Recovery Coach for for a County Government Day Report Center. I just wanted to drop in and let everyone know im still doing well and still clean. for those who dont  know me or know my mom, read below what she wrote when i was still in active addiction. Today i can say im living proof that there is hope and recovery is possible.

 

Posted: 02/22/2011
 
I am a mother of a 22 year old son who is an alcoholic, yes, my son who was a charming, witty, and caring person. I don't know who he is right now, as alcohol seems to have him hostage. I have always and will always love him, but, certainly do not like who he is or what he has become because of drinking. There doesn't seem to be anything too much more painful than watching your child suffer under the grips of addiction, watch him slowly transform into some strange monster, in fact, it's heart and gut wrenching. I have been able to pull back from enabling him, and probably one of the hardest things I have had to face among many more that I have gone thru with this child.
 
You see, my instincts as a mother is to help, fix things, and make everything ok for my children as majority of many mothers in this world. I have even tried to convince myself that things aren't as bad as they seem with him. I feel like I have done everything in the world to help my son, and at this point I feel like I am running into a brick wall just spinning in one place. I have sent him to counseling, rehabs, detox, treatment centers, and sober living to no avail. Sometimes, I cry in silence, constantly wondering and hoping my son turns his life around and gets sober and stays that way. The fear of the phone ringing either to hear him drunk on the other end, but to be relieved at the same time that he is alive, or wonder if that phone call is the hospital, police or someone telling me, "I'm sorry your son has died or been killed", as a result from drinking. Oh, alcohol is not the only thing he has used to self-medicate himself, the usual pot, pills, cocaine, ecstasy, and one of the deadliest but cheapest highs, was huffing dust off air spray. I can see where he is not the same, he seems to be slower at grasping and comprehending information.
 
My son, my boy, my youngest child, who I protected, nurtured, and loved for all of his life has slipped away from me, all that's left is this shell of someone who looks like my son, and the battery he has done to his body and organs is ridiculous for his age. He should be thriving a wonderful life as he loves helping people, very soft-hearted and loving. But, now, my boy is lost, and only looks at me for money for him to get by, or buy his alcohol, lies, and how I so want to believe him, empty promises, and lack of gratitude. I pray before I go to sleep, he is alive the next day, he isn't homeless, and will get sober.
 
In closing for this night, as I will write again, I leave you with my thoughts out loud!
 
 
Posted: 03/04/2011

Well my son who has caused me so much turmoil and heart ache has entered re-rehab this afternoon out of state. He called me last Sunday telling me he had been beat up by his roommate who also is a drunk and drug addict, and goes on drinking binges for days at a time, and obviously gets violent, although, the first time my son was on the receiving end. I think it really scared my son, one, it seemed to make him think that this is what his life has become, living with drug and alcohol addicts, making it day to day, wondering how you are going to pay your rent, and buy your next fix. He also, was really scared that this roommate was going to kill him, and admitted to me that he didn't want to be a drunk anymore and knew he couldn't stop drinking by himself. So he reached the point to where he reached out for help and really wanted it. I spent days on the phone and computer researching the different re-rehabs and their programs such as after care which is just as important as detoxing and the rehab itself.

So after 4 days of finding the right one to what his needs were but also the one that was in his insurance network. I got so frustrated playing phone tag with different rehab admissions and counselors telling me different things and dates that he could be admitted, I really thought I was going to lose my mind, as I knew my son had to get out of the house he was living in for his safety but because for the first time, he really seemed to be sincere and ready to seek the help. He was going through DT's, and it just made me angrier at the rehabs for receiving different information and me promising my son would be leaving the next day, and then the next day. Wow, I was the most frustrated and anxious even up until he left, waiting on the insurance authorization, for the transportation to be scheduled, etc. It was so emotional for me for mixed reasons, I was happy and relieved that he was wanting and going for help, yet, I knew I would miss him and felt a sense of sadness when I hugged him goodbye, and that is when I realized that I had stayed angry at him for so long, I guess it was the way I coped with his behavior as a defensive mechanism. So when I choked up trying to hold back tears as I hugged him tightly, I saw the little boy in my son, a spark of his true identity, his charm, wit, and compassion. I, also, sensed his fear of the unknown, of where he was going, how it was going to turn out, where would he be days from now, and weeks from now, and so far from home. You see, my son considered home wherever I, his mother was. I pray very hard and hope that he will take this opportunity/gift, the same way they refer to it on Intervention to start anew way of living. I have fought back the tears the rest of the evening and night, even while I was working the night shift of my job. I have thought constantly of what he is experiencing, asking myself, will he embrace this opportunity to start a new life, and will he fight hard to stay sober and clean. I want to see more than just a glimpse of my youngest son, I want to see his true identity shine through with laughter and happiness, and for him to experience the sense of pride and accomplishment. With every night and morning, I hope he can feel my positive thoughts and gain more strength every day that he is sober. I so want to be re-introduced to this boy, this man, my son. May God bless him and give him the strength and faith he will need, and wrap my son's heart, mind and body with love. Until next time, I leave you with my thoughts out loud....

Posted: 03/05/2018 11:10 AM

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Why is this not the most important site on the WWW

More Americans and Canadians than ever are being killed by opiates. I just buried my nephew. I was able to get off drugs. This website was one of my most important support tools. I have remained clean and sober from the drugs that killed my nephew now for 7 years. Even after cycling accident when I was hit by a car I refused pain meds. I can never use again. Broken leg, suck it up, broken ribs? no problem, got this, fractured hip socket? I will be fine. All better than relapsing. All this success and I could not save my nephew. I am willing to help someone, I need to do something. I will be truthfully hard and alway be totally honest. This is life and death. 

Posted: 01/31/2018 10:10 PM

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Sorry I have been away so long

Got my own addiction under control for almost 7 years now and stopped visiting this website because I had detached from the lifestyle of doing opiates. I even moved out of my old city to get away from my dope buddies and did all I could to stay clean. Saturday I buried my nephew who died of an O D at 26. He was my favorite and the closest thing to a son I will ever have. I am now back to help if I am welcome. I turned my back on AaA because I felt I was healed and truthfully as a full blown recovering addict it was hard to keep mired in the **** that goes with this disease. If I can help, I will. I will not pull punches but tell my truth. My nephew died and I could not help him. I loved the kid like no one else. 

Jack

Posted: 01/30/2018 8:10 PM

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Can addicts do any drugs
My friend has been a heroin addict for 10 years. He decided a few months back to stop and has been on Subutex and hasn't done heroin since September. He is still doing coke and zanax. Is replacing one drug for another even helping him?

Posted: 01/21/2018 11:13 PM

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Is Methadone An Excuse To Get High?
I apologize for my cynicism but I have truly been through hell with this man. I am at my wits end but am hoping and praying still so there is at least a flicker of light left. My bf is an alcoholic, smokes crack,does basically anything anyone lies down before him. He overdosed and died on Fentanyl and was resuscitated. Was put in a program for the billionth time. Now is on Methadone. So my question is basically, does Methadone really HELP them or does it hurt them? Because I have heard so many bad things about it and how addictive it is. But if it works for him and he can function better than he was and he stays off of the alcohol and other drugs then it will be amazing. But I have heard so many people doing drugs and alcohol while doing methadone too and that completely defeats the purpose. Thank you for your time, and again, sorry if I sound offensive. I am not trying to but this man drives me up tbe wall sometimes lol. Sometimes I think the only solution may be to chain him in the basement with no phone or any type of computer or communication device and leave him there until he doesn't crave it anymore.But he would find a way to message people. He would catch the house pn fire and send smoke signals to those connections or SOMETHING lol.

Posted: 01/07/2018 5:20 AM

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Twichen
Been on meth. Sent March. And. Last. Couple. Of. Months. I been have. A. Problem. Twichen.. Like. Only way. I do. Is. One way... And. Never done in the past please. Answer

Posted: 11/23/2017 11:39 PM

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Holidays with an addict

I has been for ever since I have been on this site.  Quite a journey.  Long and short of it my daughter has dragged me into ther ground.  I left her, put her stuff in storage and broke lease because I could not bear the lies anymore.  I have repeatedly told her to work on herself before trying to keep a relationship, job or anything else. Well now she says she is pregnant, no job, living in roach infested home.  I had not seen her as I moved 1.5 hrs away.  when I did she looked crappy, weight loss.  Bought them $60 as she said he makes sure that she eats 1st.  took her to lunch.  She barely ate. Brought NA book and Prengancy book to her.  She is on subutex and swears the Dr. is making her go to NA meetings.  though when she saw the book she commented "What did you bring that for?"  Supposedly she is 4.5 mo pregnant.  I felt used again.  He is only one working and paying for his suboxin and her subutex.  I avoided her for a week then went back down to have her do a drug screen and pregancy test.  She just kept staring at me saying "Really."  yup really.  She refused both.  I need to know and start from the truth and try to move on.  Supposedly she saw GYN.  she will not allow me to know anything with Dr.  They know she has a drug problem and has miscarried once.  Anyway I have asked her and her boyfriend to come to Thanksgiving dinner.  She is coming.  Both my sons are angry.  I feel like I need to see her as I am a mess without seeing how she is.  All I plan on is feeding them....THAT IS IT.  They are loosing everything they own in storage.  Choosing drugs instead of paying that.  Can a dr. get a court order if she has drugs on board to go to rehab?  would like an addict to answer how to handle HolidaYS.  Am I enabling just by having Thanksgiving dinner???  PLEASE GIVE INPUT ASAP!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted: 11/22/2017 4:25 PM

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